Lately I have been mentally absorbed with the idea of
balance. In my attempts to counter
busyness with intentionality and thoughtfulness, I’ve found myself playing wasted
mind games. I’m constantly questioning my
decisions – each minuscule option calls into question my priorities, values and (ultimately) all-things-existential.
It’s absurd, and I want to blame FOMO. I’m not sure how, or when, or why I started
becoming absorbed with the fear of
missing out. I know it’s been a
while, as I’ve headed out to countless social engagements, community meetings
or service commitments with only a paltry, nebulous, constructed sense of
obligation and fear of missing out on the event itself/as well as the possible
enrichment/roundedness it can add to my life, as the driving force for my
behavior.
I want to strip it away, and get back to brass tacks –
assess meaning and values through personal reflection on the front end, as
opposed to a back end assessment of ‘how did I spend my week?’ ‘how much
meaning did I derive from (xyz) experience?’ as I drift off to sleep each
night. Of course, this whole desire to
shift how I allocate time/process/find motivation for how I spend time is looping
me back to the need for intentionality, which is driven on some level
(currently, at least) by FOMO, which…
It’s a sick cycle, and clearly I can’t articulate it –
but it’s real. It pervades how I
calculate the precious time I have to spend with mom, the time I steal away to
spend with Charlie, the time I invest in new friendships and spend maintaining
the old ones. Another strange facet is how much FOMO is wrapped up in a culture of privilege and wealth.
In the sea of ‘emerging adulthood’ we (my generation) are constantly
making choices based on potential for experience, happiness-maximization, and
self. Which loops me back to need for balance/stepping outside oneself…but which, in some weird, sub-cultural way, seems to loop me back to FOMO…
