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| {artist creditt: Mari Andrew} |
I’ve already shared a bit about the grief that came – and has continued to infiltrate my days since moving Mom. I won’t belabor the point, but I stumbled upon this graphic (via another writer/artist – Mari Andrew) in how she feels/carries the grief of the loss of her Mom.
I found this to be an accurate and helpful metaphor that I’ve clung to lately. The one distinction for Alzheimer’s care is that you are grieving with the person in front of you, and so it’s as though you begin carrying a smaller ‘grief handbag’ even at the outset of the disease. When Mom moved the grief morphed and felt bigger, heavier. Five months later and it’s still at the forefront of my mind, but with less significance. And I imagine that the weight of it all will continue to shift – grow and then diminish – occupying so much of my heart and headspace, then fading into the background, occasionally (and unexpectedly) reemerging, but ultimately never leaving. That has felt true to me, especially in recent months.
Beyond the grief, I am adjusting. I find it hard to find
a balance and rhythm for going to visit Mom. Just as when she lived with us –
there are good and bad days. Some days I go over and visit and we have a
wonderful time and she’s happy throughout, and I feel like we’ve both been
lifted by the chance to see one another. There are many other times, however, when I
go and she’s upset when I arrive and the visit is sour, or worse she’s content
when I arrive and my presence (and the reality of my departure) diminishes her
good mood.
The unpredictability sucks; my main method of coping is remembering
that this was the reality of our days when Mom lived with us, too. There were
so many variations to our days – to what Mom could recall, how she could
communicate, and what she wanted. So I am trying to find a rhythm of seeing her
2-3 times a week, and always going with the hope of joyful time, and not being
discouraged or disheartened if/when it turns out differently.
The last challenging adjustment
has been in figuring out how to communicate with the staff about her care. The
moment we moved her in we passed the baton of quotidian care on to the (wonderful)
staff at her new home. It has been a strange period and process to accept that the staff are now
the primary experts on the day-to-day 'Mom things'. They are the ones who observe her days, her
behaviors, and testify to how she is progressing. It has felt challenging to
balance deferring to their observations and insights while still maintaining a
grounding in how much I know of my Mom, and even how much I know of her disease
based on being her caregiver and advocate for the past five years.
Thankfully the staff at her new
home are incredibly committed, above all, to doing what is best for Mom, and
for helping me stay connected and involved in her care. I am grateful for their
patience and generosity (both with Mom, and with me). It feels like we (myself, Mom, and Mom’s staff) are working
this out together, and it has definitely been a learning process.
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| {Mom and I, at her 60th birthday. I love everything about this photo} |
To sign up to walk or donate to our team, click here: http://act.alz.org/site/TR/Walk2018/KY-GreaterKentuckyandSouthernIndiana?px=6905271&pg=personal&fr_id=11244
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